Have you ever noticed that some people can really get walked over? I mean, they seem to be a door mat!
It seems that there is a certain personality type that is prone to this.
"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have." -- Norman Vincent Peale
If you have ever worked with a consultant in a business team building seminar, or a summit for a volunteer organization, chances are you've come across the DiSC personality test. (https://discprofile.com)
It was handy to learn about my colleagues and what makes them tick. But more importantly, it was far more powerful to learn about the 4 main types, and the classic sub-types. With a little practice, you can quickly and fairly accurately pigeon-hole someone new into one of these types and in doing so know how to better communicate with them.
A D personality is a dominant person. They are motivated by winning, competing, and succeeding. They want just enough information to make a decision, and don’t want small talk. They like to take charge and get the job done. They aren’t very good at being sensitive or showing vulnerability.
The i personality is the party person. It’s the “I’m here! Let’s get this party started type. They tend to be warm, trusting, optimistic. They value social proof in their decision making. They struggle with research and follow-through.
The S personality is the steady person. Calm. Reliable. They are patient, overly accommodating, avoid conflict. They value loyalty, security, and like to help others. They avoid confrontation, change, and tend to be modest.
The C personality is the Conscientious personality. They like details and lots of them. They are slow to make decisions and often considered to be overly critical. They value quality and accuracy, and struggle with delegation of tasks, compromising, and social events.
My dominant personality type is S, with a C back-up.
It is a horrible combination, and a very prevalent one from what I understand.
The problem with being an SC is that the other personality types can walk all over you, largely because you let them and they know it.
And there’s a lot of good to be said about being an SC. People like you, they know they can count on you, and that you’ll be there for them. Not a bad thing, right?
The problem is, as an SC, you get pushed. And pushed. And pushed. Until you can’t be pushed any further and then you, shall we say, over-correct. And people then get to see a very ugly side of you.. the side you aren’t particularly proud of. You can also take a lot of people by surprise when you have exceeded your breaking point.. or worse yet.. take it out on the wrong person.
So yeah, I am intimately familiar with this problem. Add on the mental health challenge of depression and this can get real ugly real fast!
How then does someone who wants everyone to like them and who doesn’t want to offend anyone, stand up for themselves?
Step 1 - Identify Your Needs, Wants and Desires
When it comes to self-care, it is a good idea to check-in with yourself on a regular basis. Ask yourself how are you feeling? Are you happy with your relationships with your spouse, children, boss, co-workers, etc? Are you constantly giving without receiving? If so, to whom, and why?
Have you set personal and professional boundaries with the important people in your life?
Step 2 - Identify Who You Need to Stand Up To
One of the most overlooked things in interpersonal communication is that we teach people how to treat us. If we are a door mat, they will step on us. If we actively object to improper treatment, they will adjust how they treat us.
Are you being heard by your spouse or being walked over? How are things between you and your kids? Do they respect you, or do you get played? Does your boss keep asking for more and more from you without asking how you are doing? Do your co-workers delegate chores to you because you are too nice to say no?
Are there any toxic people who need to be dismissed or time spent with them minimized?
Who are the people that regularly violate your boundaries.
Step 3 - Communicate
Once you have identified the problem area and problem persons, you have to plan out how you will communicate that things need to change.
You cannot do this if you are tired, cranky, upset, or feeling boxed-in. You cannot “wing it” because chances are they have more experience in manipulating you than you give them credit for.
Decide on how you will communicate. Who requires a face-to-face, who requires a phone call, and who needs the ultimatum?
Step 4 - Be Courageous
It can be a mixed bag of emotions to muddle your way through when standing up for yourself. You may be afraid. You may feel guilty. You may second-guess yourself and say they didn’t mean it, or they don’t know that they make you feel this way.
If you have been genuine, authentic and honest with yourself in Steps 1, 2 and 3 (Identifying Your Needs and Boundaries, Identifying Who You Need to Stand Up To, and How To Communicate it.. you have to honour yourself by finding the courage to stand up.
Yes, there may be fall out. Someone or some people may not speak to you for a while. There may be shock on their part.
Standing up for yourself is no easy feat. But the more you do it, the easier it will become.
Step 5 - Be Consistent
Congratulations. You stood up for yourself. So now what? Now you have to follow through and be consistent.
Be insistent of the boundaries you have. Reinforce them any time someone crosses them. You have every right to have personal boundaries. But if you want them respected, you have to duty to protect and guard them at all times.
Listen to the full podcast episode here:
Thomas Detert is a Certified High Performance Coach(TM), mental health blogger and advocate. He is the founder of Defying Depression: an online self-help movement that encourages those suffering with anxiety and depression to learn how they can help themselves.
Visit https://www.DefyingDepression.com to learn more.
Be sure to visit our YouTube channel for helpful videos about depression: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ6Pc47mbH8or8fdHyWk-eg
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